I dunno how to really begin this, because technically this thought process began a very long time ago, back when i lived in Perth, Australia, i believe the year was 2004. But yes, this thought process deals with MY depression, and i'm not sure WHY i'm posting this on deviantart...i guess it's mostly just to figure out if i'm the only one that thinks this way or not.

Recently i became depressed again, simply by wondering if i'd ever be able to find a soul-mate with my current condition of never being able to speak to new people. I can't ask people on a date because of this, and i basically have to know the person for a good 2 years if i'm to even attempt it. I started becoming depressed last monday (so that's like the 26th of october i think), and i thought it would just pass like it did in Australia or Egypt. This time, it didn't pass within 2 days, and it's still kinda festering under my skin. I thought to myself "Why is this depression more severe than other ones? What's different this time?" And i realized that the last moment of physical contact (not including violent attacks nor hi-5's) was back when i got a hug from my mom just before she left back to Cairo. Since then, i haven't really gotten anything similar. The thing that bugs me now more than ever is that if one of my friends were to come up and just give me a hug right now, i'd probably break down crying for no reason. I don't think i could handle a simple hug...I always took my parents' hugs for granted, but it's really hard to go more than 2 months without it.

Something i tend to do when i'm depressed is daydream MUCH more on the concept of life and death, which includes sacrifice (usually at my expense). I don't really know why i do it, but i just start thinking up scenarios (that i really hope never come true) where i have to choose 1 friend of 2 to survive, and i usually end up trying to save both at the expense of my life instead. This is another major part that seems to both confuse and annoy me at the same time. Oh yeah, and when i said i'd die for a friend jamie an sally, i wasn't kidding.

The last thing on this journal's agenda is the concept of sympathy. It appears to be socially acceptable for females to basically request sympathy by telling a sad story of their life (i know this is not all females btw....but i do know some who do this). Males on the other hand are almost raised to be robots in comparison. To show weakness in your emotions means that you're crazy (i'm not sure if females see it that way, but most males see it that way) So when a girl asks a guy "are you ok?" they will almost always reply "yeah, i'm fine" despite really being an emotional train-wreck at that moment.

Something i seem to desire once in a while is just some sympathy...someone to recognize that i exist and that they care for that existence. The reason i never say this to people is because i don't want people to pity me. I want people to recognize that i have a space in their heart as opposed to their mind. Now, saying that i appreciate sympathy now and then does NOT mean that i want everyone to say "aww, poor ivan, you don't look so good, need a hug??" because i swear that if someone does that i will smack them so hard that at least three of their vertebrae will pop out of place...

I really hope i don't regret hitting the "send" button at the bottom of this page...keep in mind that the title still has meaning you guys...

Alright, cheers.